Eric and the Crisis of Faith
Note: I am reposting this to fourwords.net on May 10, 2016 after some quick editing for grammar. The original posting was October 11, 2011 and can be found here if that interests you for any reason.
♪♫ I am a C ♪♫
♪♫ I am a C-h ♪♫
♪♫ I am a C-h-r-i-s-t-i-a-n ♪♫
♪♫ And I have C-h-r-i-s-t in my H-e-a-r-t ♪♫
♪♫ And I will L-i-v-e-E-t-e-r-n-a-l-l-y ♪♫
Who would choose hell over heaven if they were presented with proof of that choice? I don’t think anyone would, but it’s not exactly laid out for us that easy. Sure, I don’t have any excuse, I was raised in a Christian family, went to a Christian school, church every Sunday and it’s all been hammered into me. What about the people who were raised in another religion? What about the people who were raised in no religion at all? How do I tell someone that their god is false, and my God is the one true God? They’ll look at me and say “Nuh-Uh”. The faith part of this whole thing is the hardest part for me to wrap my head around.
God created all of us, He loves all of us, and He wants all of us with Him in heaven so why make it so hard? Why not just lay it out there for everyone with empirical evidence and just say “here it is, make your choice”. Who am I to question God? Nobody, I just get hung up on these things, and I get mad at myself for thinking them because I feel like they’re blasphemous. I want to be a good soldier in this war, I want to fall in line behind everyone else and fight for this thing that I believe in, but I just get stuck. I’ve had this thought for as long as I can remember. I’ve always been too afraid to say it out loud because I really don’t want to make Him angry with me, but I just have to get this out there to see if I’m the only one who feels this way.
My mom keeps telling me to make sure I include God in all of my decisions. I don’t have any idea how to do that. She says seek Him first (I know that’s in the bible too), but I don’t know how. I know this sounds ridiculous, but I rarely ever pray anymore. When I do it’s usually to ask for God to protect me or my family, but I never consult God on my decisions. I think I used to, but I just never heard anything back. Hearing the voice of God is so hard for me, and I don’t understand why. It seems so easy for all of the people at church and the rest of my family.
My daughter asked me last night what hell was and if they make you eat weird stuff there. I told her it’s a hot horrible place with no water, and no one wants to go there. She agreed that she didn’t want to go there. I know that was probably the time I should have pushed her to accept Jesus into her heart, but I feel like such a hypocrite when I even begin to speak about such things. I’m failing her as a spiritual leader. I’m failing God as the spiritual head of my household. The main reason we want to keep Amira in Christian school is because we both know that we’re not equipped to teach her the things she’s supposed to already know about God. I know it’s sad.
I started tithing again two weeks ago, and it has been hard, but I know that it’s what I’m supposed to do. I can’t just choose to believe the parts of the bible that are convenient, right? I know these questions are hard, and I don’t want to be the reason anyone else questions their faith. I just want to know how to believe without question. I know that I’m at a low point in my life, and that it’s probably time that I fall on my face and ask God for help, but I just haven’t felt compelled to do it. What I mean is that I don’t want to fake it. If it happens, then great, but I don’t want to pretend something is there that isn’t there.
I don’t know.