Eric and the Apology
Note: I am reposting this to fourwords.net on May 8, 2016 after some quick editing for grammar. The original posting was September 26, 2011 and can be found here if that interests you for any reason.
I’m sorry if I have made anyone feel badly for me because of all the negative whininess in my posts. I promise that I am not writing these horrible things about myself to make you feel sorry for me. The reason for this blog is twofold (who uses words like that?). One, I need practice writing because it’s something that I have inside of me. Something that has been trying to get out for years, but my lazy fat fingers won’t cooperate. Two, it’s been like therapy for me to get these thoughts out and written down in one place. It also frees up my brain to come up with more whiney nonsense (I’m hoping I’m almost out of that stuff) (probably not). I have gotten a lot of really good advice lately that a wiser person would actually take (not that I won’t take it, it just might be a while). I want everyone to know that I appreciate all of the kind words and the reassurances that I’m not a completely broken awful human being. I’m probably not going to stop writing dark negative things about myself anytime soon because that’s just the way my self-deprecating brain works.
I have never in my life had an actual suicidal thought beyond wondering what it would feel like if I did something that would probably kill me. I’m just bringing this up in case that’s where the concern is coming from. I love being alive, and I have a deep deep fear of not being alive. I used to daydream about what it would be like if there was no universe at all, and it would hurt me inside. There would be nothing, no before, no after, no now, no anything. Okay, that was dark. Let’s get back to the point.
Apparently, there are a lot of you out there who do actually love your jobs. That is beyond my comprehension. I’m willing to admit I was wrong about this, but I’m not going to pretend to understand how you can love having your soul crushed by the man (hyperbole). I just have a longing inside of me to be somewhere else.
Over the years I have had friends who did get my sense of humor. They did enjoy spending time with me although it was mostly at school or work. Jake, I looked forward to working with you too. It was a hard time for me when you left the soul crushingness that is braum’s to work for, what I can only assume was just as bad, wal*mart. I completely understood the need to get the hell out of there though. Maybe the people I work with now are just too conservative republican (this is a joke for Amy, the only funny republican I know) to get me. Also, a lot of them are from a different culture, and they think I’m nuts.
So, yes I love that you are all reading my blog, and I really hope you like it. I’m not trying to “fish for compliments” or reassurances of my normalcy. I do appreciate all of the comments. Does anyone have any tips for my writing style (I know it could be organized structurally and a reread for errors wouldn’t kill me)? I want to get better at this, that’s why I’m forcing myself to do it.
My apology is to you, the reader, for making you feel badly for me and my sanity. Sometimes I write these things when I’m not in the best place psychologically. I’m sorry
P.S. my wife wants me to write more nice things about her. So, hmmm…well that’s not appropriate. That either…ummmm…she…no…okay, got it. She makes awesome breakfast burritos (hint hint). Ha-ha, I love you Charlotte.